Field Note #006 - A Reflection on Love

I’m a lover girl at heart through and through. Sometimes, it’s fun to play pretend as a hater, but I love LOVE so much it always prevails and I don’t care how cliche that sounds. So, when I tell you I was SO excited to read All About Love: New Visions by Bell Hooks, I was utterly disappointed with what I read. It wasn’t until a friend brought me back down to earth and reminded me that there are different understandings and perspectives to see it from.

So, instead of being a hater and saying every reason I didn’t enjoy it, I’m instead going to address my own views for some of the points Hooks makes in this book. And reminder for you (and myself) that these are only my opinion, and if yours differs that’s okay too. Freedom of speech and thought, baby.

The first thing that grabbed my attention was Hooks’ desire to establish a finite and shared definition of “love.” I understand the nuance of trying to write a book on love without having an exact meaning, however I feel that the beauty of love is that it means something different to every individual. It feels polarizing to reject someone else’s definition of love, rather than understanding you do not have to accept it as your own.

She quotes Eric Fromm’s definition, which he describes as, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” I do have to say though if I had to give love a definition, this would be it. The way I feel and show love is in improvement: within my own self to give those I love the best version of me knowing that that also impacts the way they see themselves and the world. In that same sense that’s how I receive love as well; a perfect love to me is knowing someone is trying. Which leads me right into my next thought.

Hooks mentions that she grew up in a dysfunctional family, and that although her upbringing wasn’t completely devoid of “affection, delight, and care,” she could not describe her childhood experience as a loving one. “I painfully admitted that I did not feel loved in our household, but that I did feel cared for.” This broke my heart, and of course I cannot speak to her own experience, so I speak from my own. There were certainly times in my childhood where I may have felt a lack of love whether it be from my parents, siblings, friends, etc. Spending my youth trying to understand why the people I loved and who loved me back were the ones who were able to hurt me the most. Then I realized harsh words from a stranger would mean nothing, but from someone you care for is when it really digs deep.

When I look back, I do not ever find malicious intent from my loved ones to hurt me, but only the misdirection of their own pain onto someone who didn’t cause it. It wasn’t until I started looking outside of myself that I truly began to understand that every action was often rooted in love or pain, and sometimes those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. I think most of us have had times where we wanted to set the world on fire, not realizing that we wouldn’t be the only ones to burn.

I find solace in knowing it is all our first time living the human experience. None of us know what right vs. wrong is until we experience it for ourselves, and even then, we are the ones that get to define that in our own lives. I don’t mean this to say that a person must accept pain as love, but to be aware of the root of that pain and set boundaries when you feel that it is not truly love. I think the best way to learn about love is not only to look at the peaks, but the valleys too. To understand great pain so you can understand an even greater love.

The last point I want to touch on is Hooks’ view on the patriarchy and the nation’s impact on love. She mentions many times that changing these structures are the best way to bring more love into our lives. I hate politics, so I won’t speak on what I believe of the patriarchy’s impact on love. However, I feel like it serves no purpose to place responsibilities on systems we somewhat cannot control (though try as we may!) to bring love into our lives. She continues to generalize the roles of women and men, and how the patriarchy is a deep cause of lovelessness among us. This is what I want to argue - it is not so much the system but the people that uphold the rights and wrongs of it.

There are many men and women in my life that have changed my perception on what love is and isn’t. This isn’t a sort of a gender war of who knows how to love the best, but the understanding that it all resides within the individual themselves. All people are raised to see the world through different lenses, and I am truly against the idea of putting all people into a specific category based on their beliefs. Morals and values are not exclusive to one group or another, and making presumptive generalizations that one causes pain over the other only increases the divide and lack of love amongst humanity.

There will always be a balance of love and hate, good and evil. I think the best way forward is deciding for ourselves what those things truly mean to us and surrounding ourselves with the like. We may never see 100% the same as someone else, but to at least have our own understanding of what love means is a great first step into bringing more love into the world.