Field Note #008 - Finding Myself (Again)

This is straight from my journal - started as just a stream of thoughts until I started piecing things together and had my little “aha” moment. So if it reads like there is no structure, there isn’t.

Burn out (Again)

How and why do i keep getting burnt out? I do my routines that are supposed to make me feel good?!

I have my hobbies, my books, I get outside, I keep healthy, I see friends, I have fun, I make good money, what the f*ck else can I do?

Why do I want my future dream now? I mean I KNOW why, but why can’t I enjoy the now?

Is this escapism? Spending my days again on autopilot instead of being present. Enjoying my day to day while day dreaming of my future.

“I can’t wait until I’m here.”

“I can’t wait until I have that and not this.”

I CAN’T WAIT!

Yet…that’s all I’m doing.

I’m eager for a future that I’m not even working toward.

Well, unfortunately I don’t have the down payment for my dream house with many acres (yet). I could just seclude myself and go hard with work, save as much as possible, maybe find other ways to make extra money and in a year see where that gets me? A year of misery for me maybe, but I certainly won’t be in this same position, right? Of course not!

It’ll be a year later.

And maybe I’ll be able to afford my dream life, but what if that changes? Well, if it IS my dream, how could it change? Well, I guess my dream of being a ballerina-maid-scientist I had as a kid has slightly changed. My dream of being a corporate business baddie has changed. OK. Things change.. I change.. So maybe it’s possible that in a year my mind will change.

So what the f*ck do I do NOW then?

How do I live like the future version of myself when I’m not entirely sure who I want her to be?!

Ooooh record scratch. There it is again.

In Field Note #003 I felt “in tune with myself and my own desires, and not with any expectation of who I should be.”

I don’t know what I’ll want to do in a year. Or tomorrow. I don’t even know what I want for dinner. Have I been so focused on my future that I’ve forgotten how to be right here, right now?

Mmm yeah. Seems so.

So what now? Welp, good news is I’ve been through this already and wrote FN#002 about it, knowing I’d need the reminder every so often.

Who do I want to be, and why?

I want to be someone who has a positive impact on other’s lives, because I know life gets hard at times and I want to remind people that it isn’t all that bad and that we’re never alone. It gets better.

I want to be someone who keeps up with her physical and mental health because I know when I feel good inside it radiates outward too.

I want to be someone who is always humbly learning, because life feels a whole lot freer (more free?) when I’m not pretending like I have all of the answers.

I want to be someone who allows themselves to feel everything fully and deeply, because I believe you can’t feel the highs without letting yourself experience the lows.

I want to be me. Whoever I was, whoever I am now, and whoever I will be. I want to love every version of myself fully, knowing that in every moment I am exactly who I am meant to be.

I am thankful to myself that no matter how many times I get lost, I will always find my way back to me.

xx Rae
The Field Note Theory